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I'm so bad about keeping up with things. Laundry, Dishes, Websites, and so on. It seems like those things always seem to just get away from me. I can't believe I haven't updated since January. Well I haven't spent much time online so that might have something to do with it. Who knows. Things seem to be just plodding along at an insanely slow pace. Everything just seems to confuse me. There have been a couple times in my life where I thought I had it all figured out and now it just seems to be one of those dissappearing thoughts. I hate it when that happens. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up or where I want to be. I don't know what I want out of life other than to win the lottery of course. Currently 88 mil.. I could live with that. Sitting here today watching the rain it's kind of depressing. I want the sun to be shining. I want to hear back from the mortgage people about financing on a house, I want someone to come mop up the mud from the dogs off my kitchen floor and do my dishes. I want to take a nap but I have to go pick up my dog at the sitters, I want to take a shower but I have to wait for the hot water, I want a lot of things and none of them important. Lots of boring stuff.  | ||||||||||||
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Bl@h. Today sucks ass. I'm now 31. Happy Birthday to me, Happy Birthday to me, pffttt someone shoot me! My 5 year old thinks I'm 22 my 7 year old thinks I'm 43 and my 12 year old thinks... Well who knows what he thinks. The only thing I wanted for my B-day I didn't get and I'm pretty sure I never will. I hate birthdays, holidays, and every other thing that people celibrate in their pointless, misconstrued, waste of time. Ba-humbug and kiss my ass... that's about all I've got to say today. | ||||||||||||
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Another day, another week, another month, another year fading away into a few memories. I don't really know what the most memorable one would be. It's been a rough year. I try to remember only the good but it seems the bad ones stick out like a sore thumb. I'm sitting here trying to remember the good ones. It doesn't seem to be working. I don't feel like I've accomplished much, my temper seems to be getting worse, and desparation for something to create good memories seem to stand out foremost in my mind. I really hate it when New Years rolls around and I can't think of one damn thing I accomplished this year. That makes me want to have a temper tantrum. My kids are sitting here fighting and making me cranky. I can't even swat them right now because I'm nursing 3 cracked ribs and it hurts me way more than it hurts them. Life sucks ass and I can't figure out how to change it. I can't decide what's actually wrong with it. I just know that I'm miserable more than I'm happy. Actually that isn't right. I'm not really miserable. I think I'm just depressed that this year turned out so bad when I had such high hopes. I can't exactly put my finger on what happened either. That bothers me. I'm just tired, depressed, cranky, hurting, and miserable. I hate being left behind when everyone else gets to go out and have fun. I'm sick of being a responsible adult who always has to make the right decision all the time. I'm tired of being depressed, angry, miserable. Petty jealousies, stupid arguments, coming in second to everything from beer to dogs is slowly killing me and who I am. I have no goals, no clue, and no ambition. I'm sick of school, I'm sick of my life the way it is. I don't know how to change it or how to fix it. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. Who I am or what my purpose is. I have a hard time believing that I was put on this earth to make everyone else happy and spend my life in misery. I hate being blindsided by misery and hopelessness but it's only getting darker. Isn't there supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel? And if there is how fucking long is this goddamn tunnel anyway? I realise that life isn't easy. I understand that. I don't want it easy. I want it tolerable. I want it so I have some little slice of happiness. I want life to worth living and not just drifting through because I have nothing better to do. I want to have a good relationship with my boyfriend and not just sitting here spinning my wheels in the mudd with nothing to show for it except a muddy mess which currently seems to be the case. I want things to go back to normal. I want my friends to be happy, my kids to be content, my life to either straighten itself out or at least flash a neon sign telling me what is wrong with whatever is wrong. For once in this whole mess that I currently call life I want to come first. Not to myself because I have kids so that will never happen but I want someone to think of me before they think of themselves. I want so many things that I can't even put into words. I'm tired of expending energy on pointless things. If anything is to be salvaged someone else is going to have to do it. I guess the best way for me to explain it is the movie "The Neverending Story" The Great Nothing has come to my life, my world, and is gobbling everything up faster than I can run from it. | ||||||||||||
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I'm really irritated and bitchy with the way our country works. I mean seriously. How is it that normal everyday citizens can look and see exactly what's wrong with this country and the politics the ones that we pay to run this country fuck it up so bad. I understand the concept that this country was built on many years ago. What I can't seem to understand is why people are so attached to outdated ideas and concepts that no longer fit the situation. This country was built on the concept that America should be free. People could come here to live their lives as they see fit. Free or persecution of their beliefs, their religion, their way of life. That's a great idea. As long as they leave the rest of us alone. Why should Americans, those of us that were born here, fought for our freedoms, and generally love our country have to change the way we live? Why do we have to change our beliefs because it offends someone else? Is that not our right? Freedom of speech, freedom of religions, freedom of choice? Fuck them. That's my thoughts. If your beliefs are so great, and ours offends you, fuck you and go back to your own country with those that believe the same things you do. If our country is so miserable to you, if our beliefs offend you. Go back where you belong. Obviously you don't belong here. We gave you freedom, rights to live your life in a free country with the freedom of Speech. That's your right as long as you're here. But don't push your beliefs on those of us that gave you those rights. Don't try to change what you don't understand. If we are so offensive to you, Get the hell out of our country and go back to yours. Live the way that you want without fucking with ours. I know that every one has heard this story from comics, and every other famous person you've ever heard of but ffs.. It was irritating me. Another issue I have with our country, not just the politics but the citizens themselves. Everyone is so friggin gung ho to help Africa and all the third world country's out there. What about the Almighty United States. We are supposed to be the most powerful country in the world. Yet we can't take care of our own. Thousands of United States citizens, born here, raised here, are dying in the streets do to lack of food, lack of shelter, lack of caring on the general public of this great country. It makes me sick. It sickens me that people can feel so good about donating millions to foreign countries when our own are sick and dying. They say that Americans are the most giving country in the world. Why don't we give to ourselves. That may sound selfish to a lot of people. America has the power to help everyone but America. It's sick and discusting to me, an American, who lives here, who drives through the cities and sees the poor, the homeless, who sits at home every night in my nice cozy house, I eat a good meal every day, my kids have clothes, hats, gloves, snowboots, I watch the news and it's sickening to me that we can send millions of dollars to third world countries and can't help our own. Never would I dream of donation to a foreign country without donating to my own. Here's my third irritation for the day. Kids. Children today are taught not to fear punishment. Therefor they are taught that they don't have to respect adults, other children, authority. Why should they? They aren't going to get punished for it. People are not allowed to punish their children. I don't feel that anyone who does not have children should be allowed to work as a social worker. If you don't have children, if you haven't grown up with your children you have no business telling someone else how to raise their child. Until you experience the pain, heartache, frustration, and irritation of raising a child. Fuck off and don't tell those of us with children how it should be done. Don't teach our children that they don't have to respect authority and that there is nothing we can do to them for being defiant, for stealing things that don't belong to them, for beating on their brothers and threatening other children, for being inappropriate, for being destructive, and oppositional towards adults. Do all of us a favor and don't teach our children no fear of retribution. Don't teach our children to be criminals. Don't teach our youth that being disrespectful is ok. Don't run our country into the ground any more than it already is. Don't teach my kids period. | ||||||||||||
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Another year almost gone. It's amazing how fast time goes when you're having fun.. or even not having fun. Time just seems to fly by. Thanksgiving turned out good. We went from having 3 people to 11. The food turned out good and no one complained or got sick that I'm aware of. Then again I haven't talked to them all since Thanksgiving but I'm sure I would have heard if someone had croaked. I'm sitting here talking to a friend of mine on Yahoo, one I've known for almost 17 years. I hate saying that because it actually points out how old I'm getting. She brought up a good point while she was reading this page. How well do we really know our friends? How much of a friend are they really? I mean there's always that saying "hold your friends close and your enemies closer" but how much of our time is spent really trying to get to know your friends? Do we spend more time tryin to keep tabs on our enemies, wondering what they are plotting and planning to make our lives hell, then we do wondering if our friends are doing ok? I think that in some aspects that the people who spend more time tryin to hold their enemies close don't stop to think about anyone else in their lives. Some may classify it as selfishness. Some may say it's purely in the interest of self preservation. I'm not real sure where I classify it. I like to think that I don't have a lot of enemies in this life and the ones I do have? Well there isn't a thing they can do or say to hurt me. I guess my advice is if you're one of those people who worry more about what your enemies are doing than wondering how your friends are doing is this, Live your life as honestly and open as you can, if you have no secrets, no lies, nothing to hide, it leaves your enemies with less to work with and you more time to get to know who your friends really are. There are a few other things and I try to re-read this page at least 3 or 4 times a year just to see where my life has gone and the changes that have been made and this time as I go through it again there are a couple things that stick in my head that I don't think in my own life that I've dealt with very well and that really sucks ass. And here I thought I was doing so well. Touching on the whole "love" thing. I'm really a firm believer when it comes to the saying "there's a fine line between love and hate" There are times when I know that I am straddling that line on a regular basis. I've also come to the conclusion that you can love someone but you don't have to like them all the time. I know in recent months I feel like I've become a doormat and my temper is close to the surface. That seems to be very scary to me as it's been a really long time since I've lost my temper or even had someone affect me enough to make me lose it. I'm a control freak although I control it very well. So those of you who pray, Pray that I can hang on to it and keep it under wraps. I'm a really ugly person when I snap and I don't like being that person. I just know that one day I'll lose what little hold I have on it and all hell will break loose with absolutely no going back. It'll be at that point that I walk away having burnt every bridge I have with relish. Standing on the cliff with the lighter in my hand and maniacal laughter floating on the wind. | ||||||||||||
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Well... Here we are again. Things seem to just bounce all over the place in my life. I never know from one day to the next what I'm going to be doing, saying, anything. It's insane. For once I'd like to have a nice calm life. One where from one day to the next everyone gets along and no one yells and screams over stupid shit. I want children who bahave at least 1/2 the time that they are awake and not just when they sleep. I want my dogs to learn how to wipe their own feet after they've been out in the mud. Simple things really. I mean how hard can it be? My oldest son is getting into a lot of trouble. Bringing things home from school that don't belong to him which he swears he finds. He's lying of course and I keep having to send things to the school. Failing 3 classes mainly because he just refuses to do the work. What do you do with an 11 yr old who you're pretty sure is stealing things but you can't prove it? One with no fear of retribution? I'm to the point now where I'm willing to try almost anything. I'm debating if the scare tactic would work and having his little ass arrested. Don't know if that would work or not. I'm worried he's going to end up in prison later in life :| Lately things have been up and down. Right now I feel like I'm just playing nice and waiting for the bomb to drop. I wish that people could understand that when you say cruel things even if you don't mean them and you're striking back at someone who has hurt your feelings in some way that saying "I'm sorry" doesn't erase the memory of what you said. That those things continue to circle in the other persons head and they are very hard to forget. I'm sorry doesn't fix everything. I think the worste is when it is someone that you love with all of your heart and soul that has hurt you. When that person says I'm sorry you want to believe them, but you still can't forget the things that they've said. When they say I'm sorry and think that everything is ok, you want it to be ok, but it's not. How do you tell them or let them know everything isn't ok? How do you get past what they said? Talking about it doesn't seem to help. You know in you're heart that it's not ok, yet they continue to go on like it is. For them maybe it is, they aren't the one that got hurt, you are. Do you just bury it and try to put it out of your head? That doesn't work. You just lay awake at night with their arms around you wondering what part is the lie, the original comments or the apology. There isn't really a way to put those things out of your mind. You pretty much have to struggle through it and learn where to draw the line. To be in a relationship where you've given your all to someone, heart, body, mind, and soul, that's not an easy thing to do. You draw a mental line, tell all your friend and family "I can't take anymore, I love he/she but I'm done" and then... you continue to push that line jsut a little farther each time. When do you stop? I think that everyone who has any experience in life has had things done to them that they've just said "fuck this shit" and walked away. That makes each person do one of two things. Either become stronger, so that they put up with just a little bit more each time, or make them say "never again" and mean it. I haven't decided where I am yet at this point. I keep pushing that line just a little bit farther each time. | ||||||||||||
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And again it's been forever since I've been on here. Moving took some time. But I'm all moved now and I finally have my internet back. That seems like it took forever. An extrememly stressful time that seems to have taken a lot out of what I thought was a really great relationship. A few things have come to light that I never thought would be an issue but then again as I've said before I don't get paid to think. It's just one of those things where you pretty much just have to wait and see what happens and hope that the other person is honest. But then if they won't tell you about it unless you ask, and you don't want to ask on a weekly basis because you don't want to sound like you are accusing someone of something. I've just decided that I hate inconsiderate fucking pricks who have no concept of how they make people feel on a daily basis. And I'm too fucking pissed off to even finish this page with a rational opinion that involves anything. Sometimes it seems like it takes so long to put my thoughts in order. I'm not totally scatterbrained although sometimes it seems like I am. Who knows how the human mind works? I damn sure don't. I've just this instant (literally) learned that my oldest son who lost his gameboy due to detentions and horrid grades has snatched it from it's final resting place in my bedroom where he isn't supposed to be anyway...damn that boy is getting sneaky :| Let's see... what's new? What's different? I swear to God everyone I know is pregnant well not everyone but five of my friends at any rate. Must be something in the water... no wonder I don't drink that shit...lol Congrats to all you new mothers to be by the way seeing as how mother's day is just right around the corner. Next, we have a new addition to our own little family. His name is Brutus and he's a beautiful, 115lb or so Rottie. You'll have to wait for me to quit being so lazy with the digital camera to add his picture to the pictures page. Actually it's not the camera I'm lazy with it's the photoshop program I'm lazy with. Hmmm... School is going.. and that's about it. It's going. I'm getting bored with it. Mainly because my semester seems to be dragging out and never going to end even though I've only got two weeks left of this semester. Next semester I'm two classes shy of getting my accounting certificate. I know I bitched constantly about math last semester and here I am getting an accounting degree...wtf am I thinking? I'm an idiot... just ask Rachel (Epona) she'll tell you. It seems as if I've been rather quiet lately. Don't seem to have a lot to say about anything. Rather surprising to me considering I'm almost never speechless. And yes I said 'almost' occasionally someone does get past my extremely wide range of sarcasm and leave me with nothing to say. I don't have a lot to bitch about other than I'm getting bored with school. That isn't a good thing because when you lose interest in something that pretty much means you're not going to try very hard to succeed with whatever it is. Something that does seem to be on my mind is I'm sick of listening to people bitch. I realise that every now and then we need to vent our frustrations to someone else. Just to let it all out and ease some of the pressure that we feel is building up to exploding point. But seriously.. I'm not some magical sorceress who can fix all your problems when you call me ranting and raving like a lunitic because sometehing didn't go your way or you're not happy with something that you have no power to change.. you know the saying "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change" Either accept it or move on. Again and I've said this before.. remove your little mental director's chair from your mind. We didn't write this script that we call life. Therefore we can't direct it to our liking all the time. SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!! That's my advice. Every where I look I see people bitching about other people, about something in their lives, about their jobs, their house, their car, their pets, their kids. Well how's this for advice... if you don't like people stay away from them, if your life sucks do something about it, if you don't like your job quit and find another one, if your house sucks fix it or move, if your car is a peice of shit run it into a tree, if your pets are irritating you crate em for awhile or throw them outside, and beat your damn kids. JUST QUIT FUCKIN BITCHIN!!!! I think I've been brain dead for about two weeks now nothing new there. Hell I think I spend at least 1/2 my time in that state. I always get irritated when the only thing people do is bitch and make excuses for everthing that is wrong in their lives. My answer is usually so do something about it. If you don't like it change it. If there's an obsticle in your way find a way to go around it. Well this morning I was feeling down, bitchy, sick, cranky... whatever you may wish to call it. Making excuses and bitching about things I didn't like in my life.. when suddenly someone says "so fix it" The first thought that popped into my head was "I would if I could" then I thought wait. I can. I just have to get off my ass and make the changes that need to be made. I mean really how hard is it? Technically it isn't. Just takes some discipline and action on my part. Granted change doesn't happen over night and it takes a little work but really... don't we tend to make things harder than they are? We bitch about things that we don't like but then we never think to ourselves how lucky we really are. I hate the fact that I'm not working, but I'm never thankful for the fact that someone is wlling to support me. I hate my car.. but I'm never thankful that at least I have one. My kids drive me insane and push me to the point of insanity... but I'm never just thankful that they are healthy and mobile. I hate my life sometimes and find myself tryin to find ways to make it bareable... when in all actuallity.. I should be thankful to be alive. I guess this entry would have probably been better geared towards Thanksgiving but back in November I wasn't thinking along these lines, I was too busy being bitchy that I has to cook. It just occured to me that I should have been happy that I had food to cook and my kids to eat it. We should be thankful for the things that we have and not bitch just because it isn't exactly to our liking. When someone does something for us out of the goodness of their hearts no matter how small, and even if it irritates us, at least they thought of us. At least they were trying to do something for us. And we should be thankful for that because after all... isn't it the thought that counts? Oh my god.. I really don't know where to start.. it has been such an amazing and adventurous day. I'll get to that in a few... I turned 30 (ack) a couple days ago.. glad that's over. To move on to what a wonderful day today has been :D First let me say thank you to Mentalwardgirl who is a friend of mine from gradeschool who really pulled some rabbits out of her hat in the research dept today... Love ya chas :P you're so freakin awesome....lol I have two little brothers that I haven't seen or talked to in 11 years. I didn't know where they were or how to find them but today I got the urge to type them into the people search thing. I get that urge every couple of months hoping I'll get lucky... So, as I was saying, I typed in one of their names in a people search site and guess what? I got lucky. No phone though and it wouldn't give me an address because it came up on reunion.com. At this point in time I was ready to go nuts. Fortunately I have a friend in Texas who likes to snoop into other peoples lives and she has a suscription to one of those research sites and got the address. Still no phone... so at this point we are getting discouraged tryin to find someone we know still in the area that would make a little trip for us. Unfortunately, we didn't find anyone. Desperate at this point, we did a generic address search and pulled up the names and phone numbers of everyone that lived on that road and starting calling people. Finally we reached someone who new all about me from my little brother that had been using their computer to search for me and 10 minutes later I got a call from my youngest brother who I haven't talked to in 11 years. And the best part... they (both my little brothers)are together :D So I found both of them. I'm like all giddy and goofy now lol. I'm happy, life is good. Well the holidays are finally over. I'm broke which is nothing new. My computer died over the holidays.. that's a bad thing. I can sit here for days and never touch the thing but as soon as I don't have access to it I start getting a little nuts... isn't that an odd thing? 2005, Another year gone. I'm sitting here making faces at my newly restored computer (Thank you god and Outwest Computers for that) trying to determine what is what. For the country at large I guess I'd have to say it hasn't been a good year. All kinds of nasty things going on in the world. But for myself I'd have to say it's been a good year. Probably one of the better ones in my short life. I'm looking back over the year and trying to decide what I've accomplished and it really doesn't seem like much until I add it all up. I've said before that everything happens for a reason, one small thing becomes a catalyst causing a chain reaction. The ball starts to roll and all leads up into something that could be good or it could be bad. I mean really... Sitting here on my computer one day talking to a girl I'd never met before in my life but really seemed to connect with and was like "hey lets meet for lunch you aren't that far from me." That was the catalyst, the one small gesture, which turned my year into something good. I started out single and depressed (ok I just realised that comment makes it sound like me and this girl hooked up, but we didn't, I'm a chick and we aren't lesbians :P sorry guys :P) I got over the depressed part most likely all in thanks to Epona, I think she got me drunk enough times that depression just had to go...lol Then, in March I met someone who for the most part really makes me happy, unless he's pissing me off which isn't often but he's a guy.. and guys do that. I mean that's the only reason we went to that place anyway but no trouble and nothing bad (hmmmm how did we fail in our mission?? Oh that's right...the trouble we were looking for was a big pussy and left but that's another story) Again, being at that place at that time would be thanks to Epona. Who says starting shit and looking for trouble is all bad?? Let's see... what else? Oh in May I lost my job. That wasn't so good and freaked me out but something good came out of it. I went back and got my GED in September. In August I went back to school which btw... for my first semester I got a 3.62 GPA (pats self on back for that) Again... I have to say thanks to Epona for the kick in the ass. It seems to me that one of the best things that has come out of the last year would be my friendship with her. < I've really been doing a lot of thinking lately. Doesn't it just piss you off when you go through life knowing (or thinking you know) exactly what you want and then suddenly you do a complete 180 and think you might want something that is totally opposite of what you've told yourself all along that you really want? It's like you finally get what you've been stuggling for and you suddenly realise that you're not happy, you're just content. You realise that contentment isn't enough anymore. Why can't we just be happy with what we have? The questions you come up with to ask yourself can really be astounding. Especially when you have no clue how to go about getting the answers. How do you know what it is that you really want? How can you be sure that doing a total reverse is going to make you happy? How do you know that you've made the right decision this time? I guess in the long run you really don't. Life is pretty much all about trial and error. We try things and they either work or they don't. You pretty much just have to try options and see if they work. If they don't oh well, everyone makes mistakes sometimes and hopefully we can learn from them and each other. Nothing ever really turns out the exact way you expect them to and all you can do is make the best of it. Normally when I come here I have some lesson that I've learned and wish to share it with whoever wants to take the time to read it. Today I have nothing but depression, anxiety, and restlessness. So if you're looking for peace you've come at a bad time. Have you ever just felt like you're spinning your wheels and getting absolutely nowhere? I have. I am. I'm tired. I'm at a point in my life where I'm ready to give up which sucks because I never ever give up something that I want. I've always felt like there is a way to get what you want. You just have to find it. I thought I did but I guess I thought wrong. I feel like I'm the only one that is putting effort in. I'm getting nothing in return. At least at Mc Donald's you get change and that is something. Life doesn't always turn out like you expect it to. You suddenly think things are going your way but end up kicked in the face anyway. You would think that talking things out would be enough. You would think that once you talk about it and you get an answer that things will change. They don't change. They stay the same. Day after day after day. So much for working on it. I'm still driving down that two lane highway and not seeing another car for miles. Life is about choices. I've finally made mine I think. I just don't give a shit anymore. I give up. In a conversation I had with someone about making the same mistakes over and over again fear of the unknown comes to mind. Bare with me for a moment of poetry......my point is at the end. Courtesy of Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth Then took the other as just as fair And having perhaps the better claim Because it was grassy and wanted wear Though as for that, the passing there Had worn them really about the same And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet, knowing how way leads onto way I doubted if I should ever come back I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence Two roads diverged in a wood And I took the one less traveled by And that has made all the difference Rather than face something new that could be exciting we tend to hang on to what we know whether it's good or bad. Fight tooth and nail to keep what we "know" rather than to change our paths and chose something new that could be good. Somehow, someway, no matter what path we chose in life, they will cross another that you've been down before. Most people chose to take that path that is known to them. Most people react to the same situation in the same way rather than for a new path and react differently.When you hit the crossroad that intercepts with that "black trod path" so to speak, try making a new decision, forge a new path and change your reaction. You may be suprised at what you come up with. It could "make all the difference" in your life. By now if you are a repeat offender..oops I mean visiter, to this site you know I get some wacked out thoughts stuck in my head and this is where I come to sort them out. I ramble, I rant, I say odd things. It happens, get used to it. Sometimes you just run across things that just doesn't seem right so to speak. Makes you wonder doesn't it? I really hate that. I have this saying that I like to use (it's on one of these pages somewhere) "To hear is to wonder, to see is to know, to question is to understand" When you hear things you wonder about them. Hopefully you don't just automatically believe them but you wonder about it. When you see something you usually believe it. You know the old saying 'seeing is believing' (as long as you see it up close and in person and it's not on TV in a movie) You might not always understand what you are seeing but you tend to believe it's real. And the other saying to go along with that is 'looks can be decieving'. To understand it, to make sure it's real, you should question it. To question is to understand. You might not get the answers that you seek and those answers might just make you wonder more. Question again. You might not ever get the answer you that you know is out there but at least you tried. I seem to be having that issue right now and I can't seem to get the right answer. I have to think that maybe, just maybe, I'm not asking the right questions. Another issue I have in my head is goals. What do you do when you've met all your goals? A friend of mine who used to be in a royally fuckered up situation used to tell me "I want what you have, I want my kids, a job, a car, my own house." At that point in her life she didn't have a job, no car, her kids didn't live with her and she was living with friends. She had goals and she finally met those goals. Congrats to her on that. Now she's pretty much stuck in a dead end, go nowhere, life with all her goals met. My life has changed quite a bit since we last had this conversation. I'm back in school and have someone in my life whom I love and who treats me damn good. When last I talked to her she was having some problems and I asked her what do you want? She again said "I want what you have. I want a good man, I want to go back to school and do something with my life." My suggestion to those of you that have met your current goals and have nothing else to do is set new goals. Chose your own because one person's life isn't always good for another. Ok.. so... I'm not really frustrated anymore. Well I am, but not to the point of wanting to tear things apart, smash something, or someone, to feel better about it. I guess that's a good thing. It doesn't make me angry anymore. I hear this little voice in my head, "anger is a secondary emotion, find the original emotion and deal with it" It only took a temper tantrum, some hurt feelings (well a lot of hurt feelings really), and a few tears (like 5 or 6 maybe, crying gives me a headache and I'd rather throw things than cry) but I seem to have gotten to the bottom of that 'secondary' emotion and dealt with it as best as I can. I've removed my mental director's chair and believe me that was so NOT easy. I guess there comes a time in life when you just have to accept the things you can not change. I've always known that it's just hard to stick to sometimes. I've accepted that I can't change certain things to fit the way I want them to. Unfortunately even after you accept them it doesn't mean that the hurt feelings go away. You just learn to deal with them. On the other hand, I spent the weekend in Northern WI and at this time of year is a little chilly but the colors are beautiful. Illinois gets crappy colors. Unfortunately I forgot my camera or I'd add some pictures. I'm getting highly frustrated (ok I'll admit it, PISSED OFF) that I can't seem to make some people do what I want them to do, when I want them to do it, the way that I want them to do it. I mean is it really so fucking hard to have a little common curtesy for your fellow man? I seem to be having a hell of a time remembering that I didn't write this little script that I call my life. Someone needs to come take away my little mental directors chair. pfftttt.... I give up.. fuck it. Wow it's been a long time since I was here. I guess when you aren't paying attention time really seems to fly doesn't it? Lots of things seem to be happening lately. My middle son Damian has started Kindergarten. At first he really didn't want to go to school but he seems to have gotten the hang of it and he likes it now so I suppose that's a plus. My oldest Bryan seems to be doing a lot better this year but it's only the beginning...lol My youngest has started preschool. I feel like I'm getting so old. *sigh* I myself have started college, I finally decided on Law as my major. It's hard to get back into the swing of things when you've been out of school for 10 years but I'm working on it. This first semester I only have one law class and a few refresher 'general education' classes. I'm getting the hang of it. I've taken my first 2 math tests and got a 100% and a 95%. I'm extremely proud of those scores I hate math and I suck at it :D At least I know where all my classes are now. The college I go to is a bunch of buildings spread out all over the place so it's a lot of tromping back and forth between them to get to class. Things at home are going good actually more like great. I'm happy with where I am in my life and who I'm with. It's a new experience and I'm loving it. I just got another car finallly. A little older than the one I had but in much better shape with a lot less miles on it. That will change soon. I put 115 miles on my car in 24 hours...lol I really didn't think I did that much driving but obviously I do! That's about all the news I have for now but I just want to add some thoughts on a conversation I had with someone late last night about patience and waiting for what you want. How sometimes there are circumstances that you just can't get around no matter how much heartache and pain they cause. All I can say is that if something isn't worth the pain to gain it really isn't worth having. I know that eventually that person will read this and I really hope that they remember that. I used to think that the elusive emotion and feeling of love wasn't worth the pain but I can say now that it definitely is. It hurts what seems like more than you can bare but what you gain in the end? is totally worth it. Develop a lot of patience and understanding because you are going to need it. Good luck and take care of you and yours |
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I'm in a mood today. I'm bored and I'm bitchy. I use this as my little outlet to get things off my mind. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. At this point in time I'm not sure exactly what it is that is on my mind and I feel the need to ramble. I start my testing to get into college next week and from the research I've done, discovered that I royally suck in math. I'll be taking math courses from here till doomsday I think. That's depressing, I hate math. On the other hand I've met a few new people who are nothing if not "interesting". I've been trying to keep myself busy studying and spending time with my kids. Some people wonder constantly why things happen the way that they do. Some people question continually what their purpose in life is. Is this why I'm here? Has everything I have done, everything I've lived through, led to this and nothing more? I tend to accept things that happen mainly because they have happened and I can't change them. Live and learn is about the only thing that you can do. I don't know what my purpose in life is. At this time I am past the point of worrying about it. Whatever happens will happen. What is meant to be will come to be. The future is what is important now. Go forward at all times because one thing you can never get back is time. I'm trying to live life to the best of my ability. Somtimes I make mistakes (more often than not) and all I can hope is that people understand everyone makes them. Some more often than others. I think in the last 4 months I've been pretty much mistake free and for that I'm greatful. Ok.. so I had one temper tantrum a couple months ago but it happens to the best of us. I said earlier this month that I am watching everything I ever wanted slip away. I was wrong there (it wouldn't be the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last). I still have things that a lot of people don't have. My home, my kids, family, a chance to better myself with school and someone I love to come home to everyday. I think, what I have, isn't everything that I could ever want... but it's everything that I need. |
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I continually hear that life is choices. We each have to make our own and most of us feel that no one else has to deal with our consequences but that unfortunately isn't always true. Our choices affect those around us for good or bad. As I sit here today I can say that I am watching everything that I ever wanted, everything that I ever worked for, is slipping away faster than I can reach out and try to grab it. Living life, such as it is, hurts and hurts like nothing else. That much I know. Regardless of that fact, I've been told you should live each day to it's fullest and I've been told that by more than one person. There are no guarantees in life. (Other than you are eventually going to die whether you like it or not.) I've learned to live, I've learned to love, I'm learning to lose. Anger, denial, depression, burgeoning and acceptance. All feelings that at some time in our lives we go through. We have no control over when or what causes them. We can't control the decisions that others make. We can only accept them, not place blame or anger and hope everything works out in the end. It may not always work the way that you want it to. Most of the time it doesn't. All you can do is be grateful for what you did have for as long as you had it and hope you learned something from it. | ||||||||||||
Most people who I count among my friends know that I would never intentionally say things to hurt someone or jeopardize them in any way. At least I always thought that those I counted among my friends knew that. I'm not usually one to think before I speak or type so to speak. When things you've said come back and slap you in the face it's hard but you have to accept the lesson no matter what your reasoning for saying them. I guess the purpose in life is to learn from your mistakes and not make them again. I've made mistakes and I can admit them. I can apologize and try to fix what I've done wrong but it doesn't always work. I'm not a person to have a lot of faith in people. I never have and I most likely never will. It's not a habit that can change overnight. Everyone says things that they don't really mean. Just blowing off steam or saying what they think the other person might want to hear. I'll admit to just being a flat out bitch trying to piss someone else off enough to stand up and say how they feel to others. Sometimes it backfires sometimes it doesn't. When it does all I can do is say I'm sorry and hope it is accepted. This time it wasn't. Such is life and so much for friendship and thinking someone knew me when they didn't. |
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Wow a lot of things I never thought would happen have happened. It’s been a rather shitty month on one end and a rather good couple of months on the other. I’ve lost the job I had for the last 9 years so that sucks, but I’m trying to look at it as an opportunity and an opening of doors for me. Everything happens for a reason. I’m figuring it just means that there is something better out there. One of the open doors that I’m looking at is school. I finally have the time to go back to school. Now the only question is “what in the hell do I want to be when I grow up?? Any suggestions?? Another good thing that has happened recently (within the last 3 months) is I now have someone in my life. It makes a Hell of a difference in everything. I used to think I didn’t need anyone else. I was wrong. I can appreciate so many things in life that I never really paid much attention to before. I can understand what so many people go through hell to hold on to and why. |
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You sit here and you wonder which way the pendalem of life is going to swing. Is today going to be a good day or a bad day? Today was long and obnoxious, as are most days you have to go to work and you don't want to be there. You'd much rather be curled up at home on the couch with someone you enjoy spending time with. Reading a book and saying nothing or watching a movie and laughing over it's stupidity. It doesn't matter as long as they are there. Whether it's your kids, your parents, a friend or significant other. It makes a world of difference to know that it is possible. And twice that to experience it. |
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Im sitting here looking at a dozen dead red roses. I should have tossed those long ago considering I recieved them back in December. They are withered and dry, still in the vase with all the water evaportated. I think I keep them as a reminder. Things are not always what they seem. Beauty can turn ugly. Thinking about life as usual. I think way too much. I'm thinking about mirrors and windows. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul if you chose to look close enough. Waking up day after day and looking into the mirror I see things I don't like to see. My flaws, my mistakes, my regrets. To accept that our past is what has made us who we are is not always an easy thing to do. To accept those things in others we have to learn to accept them in ourselves. I think I've learned how to accept myself for who and what I am. Accepted my flaws, my mistakes, and my regrets. I think that I've learned to accept others for who they are. We are handed choices every day in our lives. How we want to live our lives. To be able to wake up everyday and look into your own eyes and know that you have done the best that you could with what you had. That you made your decision to the best of your ability at the time. To find someone who can look in your eyes and see your soul and understand who and what you are is a gift you should never pass by no matter what the risk. To find someone who not only knows how you think but understands is something I hope to have found. |
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Life continues to amaze me. It's definitely becoming a puzzle. To slide the pieces together one by one and try to come up with a clear picture. It's like one of those huge pictures made up of a million tiny little ones. The whole image is never really clear until all the peices are in. I've read this page over and over again and the changes my life, my outlook, myself as a person has gone through in the last few months is a good thing. I'm liking life today. Life is good. I had someone say to me "I told myself I wasn't going to feel this... " and even "I chose not to feel..... " I've learned in the last what 5 months since I started this page that in life there are things that we can't control. We can chose to pretend they don't exist or ignore the fact that they do. Emotions and feelings are two of them. You don't control them. You can pretend they don't exist. Ignore them and think they go away. Some of us are better at pretending they dont exist and some of us are better at ferreting those things out in others. We don't get to chose where are emotions decide to tangle themselves up. We don't get to decide where the heart falls. We pretend those things that could hurt us don't exist. Eventually they creep up to bite us in the ass when we least expect them to. Something I wrote awhile ago keeps running through my head. "I used to look for it, then I stopped. Then it found me and I lost it." Usually the thing that we look for we never find. When you stop looking it usually finds you when you least expect it to. If you don't stop long enough to take the time to recognize it for what it is, become familiar with what it means, you tend to lose something you didn't even know you cherish. To realise that humans are a social race and we need each other to survive isn't an easy thing to do for some people. We all need someone else in our lives. If for nothing else then to teach us the many lessons in life we need for survival. Survival is the key to life. If you don't survive you don't live. |
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I'm back once again.. taking a break from Diablo II if you don't play the game don't start.. it's addicting. Not to mention absolutly infuriating when you die and can't figure out how to get back to your body :| Even my 10 year old is addicted. I've had to give him his own messenger name so he can add contacts to say "hey let's play the game" I mean seriously.. I've had friends over and had to fight for the computer..... now I have my son.... grrrrrrr... lol It's a fight every day to be able to check my email for God's sake. But on to the rest I suppose. I'm sure we've all run across things that we think are way too good to be true. And we all know that usually 9 times out of 10 they definitely aren't true. Everything has hidden flaws and nothing is perfect. The trick is to figure out what you can and can't live with. I think that I have come far enough in life and learned enough in life to understand what I am capable of living with. I think I've come to know what I want out of life. I've come to know myself and what I am capable of fairly well in the last few months. I've met new people, made new friends, the kind that hold you up, not hold you down. The ones who refuse to judge and always understand when you get a little mental. To them I have to say thank you and I love you. All in all, life is good. I've also met someone very recently that continues to surprise me with the things that they say. Most of the time I think.. hey that's my line. But then they say something that just makes me think... wow this person knows me. Knows my soul. It isn't possible. People see what I want them to see. Not what is inside. Not the storm that is just waiting to explode in a growl of thunder or a flash of lightning. I'm far from perfect and made my share of mistakes. I'm not concieted enough to think I'm the best person in the world or even remotely better than anyone else. One day I would love to be able to look in a mirror and see what my friends see. I want to see the person they see in me. I would love to be that person. There's nothing ever wrong, but nothings ever right. Such a cruel contradiction. I know I've crossed the line, it's not easy to define. I'm born to indecision. Theres always something new some path I'm supposed to chose with no particular rhyme or reason. Compliments of Shinedown 'Burning Bright' more truer lines I've never heard. |
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Another day another rant another ramble. I have been sitting around tryin to come up with something to put on here. I haven't updated in awhile. This is going to turn into a bunch of rambling shit so have patience. I had nothing to say now I have tons. There have been some really interesting things going on. I won't elaborate on that point except to say that I am beginning to learn to 'live' life rather than survive it. Those of you who have actually read my page will know what the means. I've gone out more, met new people, and done my best to stay out of jail (not that I have been there but it has been a possibility a few times) Sitting in the bar one night with a couple of friends arguing over stupid shit I was given the advice, you find your goal then you figure out how to get there. I've done some thinking in the last few weeks and eventually I will reach those goals. One of them is within my reach and hopefully I'll grasp it in my hands very soon. And no... friend of mine that gave me that advice... I will not tell you what it is it's a personal thing. Lets just say that once I get it... well nvm...lol sorry people I know that isn't fair. Advice is often given when it isn't asked for and oftimes when you ask for advice that isn't what you really want. You want an opinion or to know what options are out there. Figure it out for yourselves and think that it was all your idea. That way when or if it goes wrong you can't blame anyone but you. I popped over to a friends website to see what she had been up to and :O she quoted me :| Now normally this friend of mine does a really good job interpreting what I have to say... this time.. I was a little surprised at what she had to say. So of course I fired off a text message called her a dork then went back and signed her guestbook and explained what I actually meant...lol Now in the below entry January 15th I believe.. I say " Those of us that have lived in our own world for so long have a hard time trying to join another's world " Now there is a bit of a difference in the way that we both interpret that. To me I mean join as in become part of someone elses world and life. Not become absorbed in it. You should always remain your own person. Never let someone elses life or habits swallow who you are. To remain individual is a hell of a lot better than taking on the traits and personalities of another. If you were meant to be them you would have been born them. I have lost who I am a few times. Hopefully it will never happen again. To be a chameleon and be able to fit into your surroundings is sometimes a good trait to have. To find yourself again once you lose it takes a lot longer and is a lot harder than losing yourself to begin with. If you can follow all that you are doing good. |
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2005 a new year. What a way to start. I've learned so much in the last year it is not even close to being anything but amazing. I've learned who my friends are, who I can trust, that my kids are and always will be the most important people in my life. I've learned that we are not invincible. People come and go in our lives and time of course heals all wounds. Imagine all the stupid little cliches you could possibly use. I think I have run across them all. I've also learned that even though games are for children you tend to get drug into them unknowingly. You just have to do the best that you can to get through it. Some people will say life is a game. You play the hand that is dealt you and you live with it. No one else makes your decisions or plays those cards for you. You are who you want to be. People change when they wish to and not before. Not long ago I had a good friend tell me "I want to be who you are. I want to be like you. You are strong" This is not the first time I heard that. I've had others say things like I want to have what you have. I want to be like you. You are a very strong person, look at what you have gone through. My advice to these people would be you do not want to be like me. I walk through life trying to be numb. Without pain and without heartache. Not many people get the chance to get close to me. I was always taught to stand on my own. I am the only person who can not walk away from me. I can run all I like but as soon as I stop I am still there. I have been known to say that I survive life. I've had two very good friends, one who says they want to be like me, get very upset with me over that comment but it is nothing but the truth. I am perfectly capable of living life when I chose. Most of the time I choose to survive. Living life hurts. I have learned to survive life and avoid that pain as much as possible. My opinion is that those who are willing to live life are much stronger than I. They are the ones who live with the pain that living life brings every day. The pain of loss and the pain of grief. I have lived through and survived my share of pain and I'm sure there is more coming. For me to hide that and bury it is easier. I live my life with the certaintly that it will eventually get better. When there is no one depending on me to be strong. No one who will be hurt or neglected when I crash and burn and fall apart. Then I will learn to live life and not just survive. In the meantime I'm still waking up sucking air and surviving life to the best of my ability. |
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I have to start out by saying Welcome back to Taliss and Welcome back to Snoopy... I missed you guys a lot. And to move on to thoughts: We sit back and we watch the world go by. We never stop to think about someone elses suffering. Only our own misery. We put ourselves out there to be burnt by the flames of life day after day. Those of us that have lived in our own world for so long have a hard time trying to join another's world. We learn by trial and error. Sometimes, we are allowed more than one mistake, sometimes we aren't. We grow up expecting people to behave in a certain manner and when they don't, it causes pain and confusion. Everyone is unique unto themselves and everyone reacts in different ways. The human mind and the human heart do not always follow along the same path. We do not get to chose where our hearts decide to fall. Our minds can say no no no bad idea... but the heart doesn't care. More often than not we follow our hearts. I'm thinking the brain would be a better leader. Many times we say to ourselves, "it doesn't matter I can live with this" then we learn that in fact, no, really we can't. To say something as simple as "it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all" isn't always easy. Someone asked me tonight "what is love to you? How do you define love?" My answer was unconditional, forgiving, warm, want, desire. I learned a few things. Love is unconditional, love is all of those things and more. The most important being understanding. Understanding when to let go because sometimes you don't have a choice. Love is what makes the world go round not money as we so often hear. Not everyone has $$ but everyone has love somewhere somehow. Be it the love of a good game or the love of a partner. Either way... without it...the world is a cold and dark place.
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Wow the New Year is upon us. It's amazing how fast time flys. I have found a new room to hang out in (IL 1) and got to meet a bunch of you on New Years Eve. JJ ~ Tweek ~ Flirty ~ Niz ~ Gurly ~John Julian ~ JD ~ Soco ~ Snowplow Jockey ~ Ladyluv ~ Capt Peabody ~ Living ~ Skyjumper ~ Sweet ~ TNA ~ Clit ~ I had a hell of a good time partying with you guys. I really hope I didn't forget anyone here!! If I did send me a message and yell at me because I want to include everyone. JJ thanks for having us all down!!
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You know.. I seriously got to thinking and it absolutely amazes me and amuses me the way people jump to conclusions, spread rumors, lie, talk shit, hide behind names, and generally try to cause as many problems for others as they can. We are all here because we are bored, but are we so bored that we can't stand to see someone else try to be happy? Obviously we are. I've met a lot of cool people on here that I count as friends. I've also run across a bunch of fucking morons who wouldn't know a good thing if it slapped them in the face and bit them in the ass. Chat can be a great place to hang out and have fun. Chat can also be a place that makes your life Hell. But we all keep coming back. We keep looking for that thing that is missing from our lives. Maybe we live in a small town with nothing to do or maybe we live in a big city and are too shy in real life. In some form or other, let's face it people, we are all basically rejects from the worlds we live in. We all have our secrets and again let's face it, without a little mystery people are generally pretty fucking boring. Yet there is always someone who has to come and start shit out of petty jelousy, and try to drag everyone elses personal shit out in chat out of sheer boredom. Some how, some way, we have all come together in this fucked up place called Yahoo for a reason. A few of us have met, a few of us would like to meet just to kick it and say... yeah I partied with that one or this one and it was a blast. Or to say... Yeah.. I've met them and I think they are pricks, bitches, whores, sluts, assholes etc. Illinois 7 was an awesome room. Lately it has changed. Maybe that is because I became personally involved with people in there. Maybe not. Maybe it's just time to move on. It has turned into nothing but drama and bullshit. People jump to conclusions or think they know things they don't. It seems as I am not the only one who had decided to leave 7 lately and for pretty much the same reason. We all stop in from time to time or run across each other in other rooms and it's great to see old friends. To those that I have met and still speak to your fuckin great so don't take any of this personal. Yahoo created this awesome little thing called 'ignore'. That is the great thing about the internet.. people are just a click away from never being seen again. It's fuckin wonderful. I try to be nice even to those people I don't like. I think I'm done being nice to people who backstab, talk shit, lie, cheat, and generally cause bullshit wherever they go. Those are the ones who need to go back out in the real world and get thier fuckin asses kicked then come back and realise this is just fuckin chat. It's not real. It's a make believe world where we try to ignore the problems of day to day life and just relax for awhile. Don't let Yahoo become your reality because it sure as fuck ain't mine. You would think seeing has how I have made it this far in life I would have learned my lessons and learned them well. Obviously not. But what makes us human is if we continue to bang our heads agains the same wall constantly we will learn that it is made out of brick and we will eventually stop. Well I've finally learned and now it is time for me to stop. It's time for me to stop and look at the things I do over and over again. The door has been locked and silence is my key. The world has grown colder and my tears are my warmth. Take care of you and yours.... I'm out. XOXO ~*~Shelby~*~
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